Do you find yourself wondering what happened to the bond your once had with your daughter and now you ask yourself, “How do I connect with my daughter”? The hard truth is, it takes work to connect with teenage daughters, but it is not impossible and is definitely always worth the effort.
So, how do you connect with your daughter? It starts with these three steps:
Be a Safe Space for her to Land:
Daughters need to feel like they can trust their moms in order to feel a connection with them. As your daughter gets older, your approach needs to shift to a new standard of safe. She needs to know that:
- Her secrets are safe with you and won’t be shared with your friends at coffee or Bunco, or even with her father (if appropriate to keep it from him).
- You won’t overreact when she shares something with you. The best way to encourage your daughter to withdraw from you is to get angry when she confides in you. Even if it does anger you, take a deep breath. Think about how you are going to react before responding.
- Your reactions and advice will be steady, wise, and not emotional.
Practice Listening:
My goodness, if your daughter would only listen to you, it would make life so much easier, right!? Many times though, if you’re daughter is to the point of opening up to you, she likely just needs an ear to listen. She wants someone who will let her vent and cry without judgment or advice. Don’t we all want that sometimes? When she does open up to you to talk, be sure to:
- Stay quiet and listen. Let her tell you all the details through yelling or tears without any negative response from you.
- If you do find it appropriate to respond, be sure to do so without judgment (or what she could interpret as judgment). Even if you think she is overreacting or being unreasonable, her feelings are very real to her. Responding with any variation of, “This isn’t really a big deal”, will lead to her feeling as though she is being judged for how she just opened up to you.
- Look for opportunities to coach and give advice knowing that in that moment, it might not be the right time. You might have the perfect thing to say to help with her problem, but in her emotional state, it might not be received well. Wait for a time later when you check in on her and her emotions are in check to offer your advice.
Lean Into Her Interests:
It is very likely that your pre-teen or teen daughter is interested in something that you don’t even understand, much less actually like yourself. That’s ok; you can still take an interest in what she loves and she will notice your effort. You can actively lean into your daughter’s interests by:
- Listening to your daughter when she talks about her interests. With all the information swirling around in our busy-momma brains, it is very easy to glaze over when our daughters start talking about something we don’t understand. Make an effort to stay actively engaged, even for just a short time, when she is talking about her interests.
- Do your own research. Google puts every bit of information at our fingertips, so we really don’t have any excuse to not know at least a little something about our daughter’s interest. You only need to know enough to have a general knowledge, but that little bit will go a long way in showing your daughter that you care.
- Actively participate when you can. You might not be able to name every member of BTS (there are so many of them!) or her favorite member of the band, but you can listen while she “teaches” you. Then you can laugh with her when you miserably fail her “quiz” at the end. You might not be able to serve a volleyball for her to receive in practice but you can watch her play intently and ask questions as you go.
Trust is the foundation for connecting with your daughter and connecting with your daughter is the foundation of almost every other parenting decision you want to make; it is vitally important and always worth the effort you put into it.
If you’re looking for more tips on how to talk to your teenage daughter, check out these!
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